my life what a hell hole

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 00:36:58 GMT

so a couple days ago i found out that my boyfreind is dating another girl and she is only 13 he is 21, what a freeking pervert. I would love to just bust his nuts he deserves it. On the other hand i am big pimpin., I have 4 guys i just met drooling over me and wanting me to date them I think it is quite funny. I only am interested in one of them though....But i also am interested in someone i have been with before i just wish they still could notice my feelings for them..I dont want anyone to know who it is because i would rather not even try for that again, i still care but the relationship would never work even if we wanted it to. I just dont think that they even notice me like that anymore anyways..P.s. I am sure that i will get to see tony rot in hell for this....

wow

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 14:04:23 GMT

wow its been such a long time and i cant beleive how much i have not changed..haha. Anywaze its my birthday and i have had a long weekend. I went to orlando with my aunt and cousins and i had alot of fun but next time i go up i hope i am the one who is driving. I still have to wait another 2 and a half months to take my drivers test again. This time i hope i pass though.But back to orlando i got tuns of shit for my birthday from my aunt i wish i could smack her for the amount she spent on me but i love her so i wont give a shit about the waste of money. I am the big 2-0- today yeah for me it will offically be so at 11:54 pm so ill be up till i offically turn 20. celebrating the day that it will all be done and over.........

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 14:40:04 GMT

another day in this lonely abyss i call life not a soul around to feel the torment i have reached my the end of my rope and only death will save me now, but i know the outcome and i have something i have to finish before the end comes and that is why i am writing this.

Tears may fall at your feet but don't let them drown you.
life may hurt your pride but dont let it stop you.
hurt from another may disable you but keep pushing,
and if at the end of the day someone touches your heart dont forget to cherish them..

Don't let life take you away from yourself and keep pushing.
The pride you may have could keep you going but dont let it cloud your vision.
Being put down and beaten may hurt but be the bigger man and forgive,
and when the end of the day reaches you hopefully you see something more..

Defying gravity can be done you just need to find the right tools to do it, and
finding the way is a way to form motivation.
You can only live for yourself and help others along the way.
We only live a while before we leave so try to see the light and figure out what your lessons are along the way.

These things i have learned and I find they are helping me to hold on to what i call my life..
Do you need to find these things or have you already found them?
I myself am still learning some of these things and i have found that if you try to apply what comes good to you, that you may find things about yourself that you may have never even thought you could do.

I learned alot in the last couple months all from a man that if you met you would never think he could retain all this wisdom and in time you realize the man should have been something great.. I write this mass of important words because it is a reminder to myself that the world can be a blind, cold and harsh place sometimes,but that the struggle is what shows your true character.

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 23:55:43 GMT

i miss all my old freinds and the way it used to be and now that i am away from everyone i relize that thoughs days will never happen again. It kind of makes me a sad sad girl. I have also come to realize that i am becoming a sleaze i like to do things that i shouldnt just to get men to pay me some attention and i really dont like that about myself but i really cant help myself its the only time i feel wanted...I just wish everyone made me feel like ryan and joe do when i am around you know like i dont need to go out of my way to feel that way cause they want me there anyways and i like that, i mean i like myself when i am with them and i dont feel horrible about who i am becomeing. so maybe i should just disappere for good and not deal with anyone anymore.

choices choices

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 18:10:24 GMT

I always have some kind of decision to make and no one to help me make them but i try to make the right ones i finally have become what i really see myself being for the rest of my life just not in the place i want to be. so half the battle is won, i know myself and partialy what i want for my life the thing is to learn to stop procrastinating and get the shit i need to done and over with. Another thing is to get totally clean off all the bad shit i used to do but its hard to keep clean ...so i need to keep getting the help i have been....

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 13:55:46 GMT

well here i am again i want to bitch about alot of things but that is not what anyone wants to know about i am supposed to meet this guy on saturday. He is one of my friends good friends and i guess i came up in conversation and they showed him a picture of me and he was interested in meeting me so i guess i am gonna meet him. I like my job but sometimes i just get fed up with doing other peoples jobs and getting absolutely no gratitude for doing it and then i get yelled at because i am not doing it fast enough for there standards.that is kind of a pain in the ass for me and then i get behind in my job and spend the rest of the time i am there playing catch up because i helped them out and sometimes i dont get caught up until i am already supposed to be gone and i dont get my break or get to eat so i starve all day and work my ass off just to get shit from people..Does that even seem like it is right cause i dont think it does...

fucked up

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 20:28:20 GMT

you know with my history i shouldnt be with someone like i am this guy is just way to much aggravation.. do you know how many good guys i could be with right now and i am with that shit-head that is kind of fucked up in my eyes so why cant i stop going to him i am obbsessed with the sex i guess (i know you didnt really want to know that but its the truth!). If you didnt know i went out with billy i did even with all the shit i used to talk about him and then i forgave him for everything and shit just started between us. In reallity if it werent for josh i might have acctually stayed in that relationship but too many memories even though i have feelings for billy it wouldnt be able to work. it also dose'nt to have feelings for joe and i really do care about juan which is again fucked up. well i guess i just felt like writing in here for once but write back more later...

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 23:16:06 GMT

its been a while but here i am again it gets harder and harder to find time to write in here but i try i really do. Well next week i am working 10 hour days for my job it was a volentary thing. I need the money so i decided what the hell why not i dont have a life anyways i am not with anyone so why not. There is this guy juan i have been talking to but i dont think we will end up going out even though he is like really smart and i like talking to him and i am extremely attracted to him. I just dont think he is as interested in me as i am in him but he calls me all the time and we talk for hours sometimes about some of the stupidist shit but not like in an anoying way. He has a little girl though and i got to say hello to her the other night but i will probably never get to see her she sounds so cute though. I know i should back away from that right away you know baby mama drama but i cant i like him too much and everyone says that he will just use me but there is something about him that makes me think maybe not. i guess that is how i always think about it though you know when it comes to a guy i really like i get stupid and block things from my view that i really should notice but i guess it makes me feel better to not see thoughs things. well that is all i have to say for now....

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 19:47:44 GMT

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal, would you like me to answer it?

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 14:20:01 GMT

i havent writen in here in a long while so i decided maybe i should you know say whats up to everyone. I got a call from josh the other night you know what fun...he just wanted to wish me a happy birthday you know even though he is like two weeks late. He also had to tell me that now he has a girlfriend with two kids and he could afford them. that kind of upset me if you know me well you understand why... other than that i am trying to hook up with this really sweet puertorican guy named pablo..i dont know what it is i have never really been attracted to a hispanic guy before now i cant say i never dated them but i was never attracted. the funny thing about it though is that he speaks broken english and i dont speak any spanish so i am going to learn spanish needless to say i am not just doing it for him but for myself also.
my mom saw him yesterday and she was just like why?
I didnt know what to tell her accept that it didnt matter if she likes him or not i dont care how she feels about the subject...on the flip side though i still havent heard from my supervisor if he is gonna let me have the job i want or not i hope so....

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 22:48:18 GMT

so the american poets society want to publish my poem but i have to order the book from them in order to get it published in the book so i guess its not going to happen i dont have the money for that. I wish i could though but at least i know now that i do have a good writing ability. it made me feel kind of good to get some gratitude, i was actually really overjoyed for the first time in years i guess you could say.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 22:52:15 GMT

i am comfused i was friends with joe one minuet now i guess he doesnt want to talk to me because i have called him a few times and he wont call me back so i guess that means he doesnt want to fight with his brother because of me anymore. that is the end i suppose to bad i thought he was gonna be my friend you know i need a few more of thoughs these days. I guess not, well i am gonna go to the movies tonight my friend matt just called to ask me to go so i am and i have to get ready so ill write later....

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 00:33:00 GMT

i wake up in the morning and morn the day to come, will it bring me more pain?
I believe that i cry as a ritual to awaken my mind and body and to flush away this hurt i carry before anyone else can see it.
Is life a dilusion off set by the morbid situations placed on this world? I believe maybe..can anyone save me from the death that surrounds my heart it swallows me whole like a dark abbys that never stops comeing and will never end that is how my life feels most days. the question is will it ever. Sometimes it feels like i am drowning in myself and i cannot find the surface anymore.....

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 00:02:42 GMT

alright so i dont know about thoughs writings they came out as i was just sitting so you know comment if you feel the need. I went and saw bleed the faith with ryan and tj and then i ended up with my cousin i ended up staying over there. My aunt brought me home around like 12:30 and i havent done anything but think about things that are un necesary such as the fact that i am getting fat,and i hate life and how noone is really attracted to me. I know that i shouldnt care but i do because what do i really have i just feel like i need something more or someone to keep my mind away from the blade i dont think that it will happen but you know maybe if it doesnt i will finally see the end of this life. I wonder what there is beyond this i really do, i dont think there is anything though nothing at all just the end and maybe a new begining i wish maybe a better one.

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 23:54:39 GMT

watch my head as it cracks the concrete
its the same feeling over and over again
to be beaten and to lose in the end is defeate
what can i say its were my life began

watch him wrench back and hit my face.
here i go its all the same crying again.
there is the blood and the endless chase.
what can i say its where my life began.

destroy my heart and the love it allows
there he goes with all the lying again
the pain in my chest as i realize it now
what can i say its were my life began.

feel the pain as it burns my skin.
liteing another one of his cigars again.
the scars he creates on my flesh another sin.
what can i say its where my life began.

ignore my feelings and push me away.
listening to all thoughs untrue stories again.
i cut at my wrists one more time i dont want to stay.
but what can i say it is where my life began.

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 23:36:26 GMT

defy me with every last breath i hold, it makes the pain cut deeper.
hurt me with your lashing tounge that spites,it makes me cry in much regret.
beat me with your fists at that last moment of fury,they just make me want death so much more.
drown my soul with you careless mind, i am lost forever.
defy me with every last breath you can hold, should i swallow in real deep.
hurt me one more time before i lose control, will you stop my pain.
beat me for your failed intentions only one more time, your fists haven't left me completely recked.
lost my soul in a grinder of hope why couldn't you pull it out for me, I thought it was love? I guess i was wrong....

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 22:21:15 GMT

i think i have finally figured it out why i dont feel quite right anymore, I know this is wrong and i should not say it but i still love josh even with all the pain i still love him and he is a huge part of what i am now. How did i do this to myself its my fault you know i fell in love with him and i should have never dated him knowing everything i knew about him. Oh no though i had to he could'nt be as bad as they said that is what i thought, and now here i am broken up with him for over 8 months and i still cant stop thinking about how much i love him and miss him cant someone just stop all this. some nights i think i see myself stairing into the darkness looking at myself standing over my lifeless heart just waiting to die. I feel the pain and now i understand why i have not been myself because i have not found myself since i lost josh and i probably never will its a hopeless case. Like i said i didnt even want to admit that but no-one has stoped that process of thinking about him eccept one person and that was james but now he wont even talk to me he was my escape i knew that from the begining and now i dont have him or josh and i feel dead inside like before accept for a little worse. I just want to know how to stop feeling this way. i mean i always felt worthless no matter who i was with but now nothing not a person to turn and nothing but death approaching me.....

birthday wish list

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 22:08:37 GMT

I am counting down the days until i turn 19 oh yeah this should be a great year with hardly any friends to celebrate with but oh well the hell with them all i suppose.
so i guess for the people to who i am still close here is what i want not all will be approved of by all of/any of you.
1.I want to have a huge party wich will probably not happen.
2.I want to drink all through the night that will definately happen.
3.I want to be with what is left of my friends
4.I want a new knife/sword either will do
5.I guess this is obvious (the end)i want it more than anything.
I guess i really dont want too much just what i diserve.
you know i love all of my friends but this isnt much of a life do you know what my life consists of if you do than you should understand how i dont see a reason for it.
love you.....

here we go

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 21:59:15 GMT

I dont blame you, I dont blame them, I dont even blame myself; I blame the world.
I dont put the blame on your ignorince, your jealousy, or your spite; I blame it on your raising.
I dont hate you for anything but the idiousy you will put on yourself and believe.
I dont want you to die I just want you to suffer the pain i do from you.
I dont care if you breath at this moment or not its not on my concience anymore.
I dont want to deprive you of how you feel but i wish it wasnt the way it is.
I dont want you to see me for less than i am but who does'nt,you wont be the first and definitely not the last.
I dont ban you from my heart all i want is an appology and for you to trust me like you should have to begin with.
I do hate you for your rotten way of treating me for nothing done wrong.
I do blame you for all of my pain you have given me inside.
I do put the blame on you for the loss of my life and in the end you will see my grief and you will suffer such pain as i have.
(karma is a bitch!!!!!!)

what a wonderful life.....

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 23:39:38 GMT

lately things have been going down the shit whole not much that i can say makes me very reluctant to want to even continue to go on in this world. All of my friends have decided i am like a poison if you take me in you will cease to exsist. I guess now james is telling people that i was giving him shit and slamming doors at his house witch is total bullshit because i was nothing but nice to him when i was there and when his mother told him he had to get rid of the dog i even said i would take shelby in. You know another thing is he told nomika all this shit and she said she is going to kick my ass over it(but what she dosent relize is that i know alot of things that she might not want certain other people to know) i am not a snich though because if i was she would have already had alot more problems than she does.
Hey though if she wants to start something all i have to say is that she better be ready for the worst because she might start something but i sure as hell will finish it. I mean what do i have to lose i really dont have any more friends all the people i really cared about turned against me because of her fat nasty ass so all i have to say is FUCK it and FUCK her because i could give a shit less anymore.Oh and i have been on morphine for like the last 3 days so i am feeling absolutely nothing and i am glad because i dont want to feel any of the pain i am going through right now i might kill myself if i had to so i drink the pain away and i medicate the problem because it is all i have left in my life and the hope that death will soon come and take me away from this hell hole i call my life it is the string that holds me together inside....

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 13:31:55 GMT

i finally can write yes, By now i am sure everyone knows that me and nomika are no longer friends its probably old news and i am sure you know she is telling everyone something that is not true so i just dont care believe what you want. Anyways i am sitting here at my house waiting for the verizon guy and the air conditioning man to show up but it may be a while. I didnt even want to be here today i was supposed to hang out with kyle but that didnt even happen. Oh well i might get to see him later.oh well i am gonna go.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 20:39:16 GMT

i was so board today i was gonna go to my friends hows today but my mother said that she wanted me to stay home to help get everything ready for the storm that is coming and then she told me she didnt want me to go over there tommarow either so now i probably wont get to see any of my freinds or follow through with any of my plans this weekend. It makes me mad but i guess ill have to deal with that for right now but i am gonna try to get to go to a concert this weekend i dont want to go to the machine head concert though really i actually really want to go to the crossfade concert there fucking awsome.. If you read this ryan ill be at home tonight so call me please..kisses<3<3

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 12:39:43 GMT

i had the most horrible dream last night and i hope i never have it again but i am gonna tell you about it. In my dream i start off going to my friends party and i meet this woman who is a fortune teller and we hit it off she likes me and i find her to be very interesting. So she does some palm reading at the party and some guy comes in and she reads his palm and she alows me to see what she saw after he left. A man this guy worked with killed an old woman by throughing her over railing for stairs at three stories. What is weird about this is because we touched something to see it happen the ghost came to us and it freaked me out because she was all mangled and disfigured the psychic told me the only way to get rid of her was to close my eyes and count to 5 so i did. She then read my palm and told me i would die a painless death but that was all she could tell me. About 4 months go by since then and my freind james was having a party and i invited the lady to come so she did. She read jameses palm and said he was gonna die of a drug overdose that very night i didnt want to believe it but again she let me see and he freeked out and ran away again after he died i saw his ghost but it wouldnt go away he watched me and talked to me for three days the thing is you could smell him and see the way he died by his clothes with puke on them and his mouth was still phoming it was gross. then i tryed to explain how i had seen james die and i didnt want to go back to that house but then my parents said they knew the lady and she read my parents palms. She waited till they walked out to tell me that my mother was gonna die in a head on collision but my dad would live and be with me for a long time and not to worry to much it wouldnt happen for a while. A couple months later my aunt threw this huge party with all her friends and family and the fortune teller came again. She told me that my aunt and uncle were going to die sometime soon while changing a tire they were going to be electricuted i wished to be able to see it and she told me it would be that night but i begged so she let me see it happen and then i saw at the end of it my two cousins driving back i knew that ment they would be with my family. it made me happy. Then my aunt came up and she gave me her keys and said something but i missed it and then i know she said come with me and she handed me something else i dont know whaat it was but it seemed important. she led me to a bridge under a peer where my mother asked if my aunt had seen my aunt peggy and we said no and as we came up under the bridge my father was holding on some other woman groping her he was drunk and acting very strange and then she pushed him and told him off. He got stupid and climbed up an electric pole and i was screaming at him to get down from there and then almost imedeatly he was struck by lightning i guess i should have mentioned that it was storming out really bad that night. After he was struck i fell and curled into a ball and cried he wasnt supposed to die. and that is when i woke up in tears. It freaked me out alot........

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 00:56:09 GMT

i got attact by a bug a japanese beetle it was an evil bastard i didnt like it very much it was very gross. Ryan says i look hot i feel special. My hair is such a great color i love it. I guess i have to go back in like 3 weeks to get it recolored. i really dont want to kill my hair and if i do it like that i am afraid i will. oh well i guess there isnt much to say i have to stay home and clean all day tommarow/ what fun right hehe.....

woo hoo

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 14:31:27 GMT

Well i was gonna go up to the school this morning then my mother tells me that she needs me to sit in for her at the office sorry Ryan i was gonna be there (<3 *kisses*). my mom says this way i can just wach the office for her and not have to clean the house to much at least. MY brother is gonna quit working for the city no one thinks he will acctually do it but i know my brother he is like me when we say we're gonna do something we usually mean it. See i believe he is gonna quit the job but he doesnt believe i will start a band, but i will if it kills me. hehe that is funny i am actually getting some ambition. I hate Watching the phones It is the most dreadful job next to working in restaurants. I guess work would be work though. I hope you get your schedule worked out soon ryan. I get to get my hair done at 1 I wish you could see it i am afraid it will end up looking real shity though cross your fingers well i guess that is it i am gonna go to the mall after i get my hair done today so that should be fun...